Maven's Inkwell

Ramblings from Along the Path

‘Bust Their Ass!’ Pt 2: Alternatives

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Maven’s Inkwell

My first post raised an important question: what can we do instead?

When asked, my response was essentially, ‘ummmm, hell if I know!’ I never put much thought into what I was doing or researched alternatives, I just tend to try and think laterally and get ‘creative’ when a problem arises.

We already do things like putting them in corners or on restrictions – but what else can we really do?

Being one who doesn’t like unanswered questions, I’ve decided to have a think and do some digging.

First and Foremost

Keep this one thing in mind at all times: They. Are. Kids. Yes, they can reason and, to a certain extent, know right from wrong – but they’re kids.

Expect them to act out, to push boundaries. (Definitely not saying let them, much.)

Expect them to mess up and make mistakes – and lots of them. They’re learning, whether we know it or not, but it does take time.

Don’t expect them to know how to do things, handle things, or think like adults. They’re not adults. It’s our job to show and teach them how to be adults – and they’re always watching.

Also, try your best to remember that they’re allowed to have bad days, too. They’re only human, just like us. They can be overwhelmed and overstimulated and ‘need a minute’ (or to run wild) – and we have to be aware when that happens, help (or let) them.

Maybe even think about how you wish your parents had handled you in this situation or that. Think about the ‘other’ parents, good and bad, you’ve experienced in your life – your friends’ parents, parents you saw in the park, whatever. Use them as examples of what to do and what not to do. Keep that in the forefront of your mind and make your moves accordingly.

Control the Environment, Not the Child

Just before I was asked the aforementioned question, my sister was repeatedly telling my niece to quit moving around with her tablet while it was charging.

My first thought: if my niece couldn’t get to her tablet while it’s charging, she wouldn’t risk breaking the cord or port and my sister would have one less unnecessary battle on her hands.

Our bookshelves were also a hot topic for a while. The kids loved messing with the books and DVDs and things that were in reach on the lower shelves. Rather than constantly fight with one or the other of them about it, I cleaned up and rearranged the shelves. The bottom shelves were ‘theirs’ and the top shelves were to be left alone. They still wanted to mess with the ‘grownup’ stuff from time to time, but it didn’t take long before those shelves all but ceased to exist in their world. (And we’re not even going to get started on Papa’s side-table!)

Sometimes it’s best, and easiest, to alter the environment – whatever that environment may be – to better suit the current situation.

Don’t want them in, on, or around it? Out of sight, out of mind.

Want them to stay in one spot and out of your way while you work? Make a designated spot that’s just theirs: give them a cool chair, make sure they have snacks and drinks, and maybe have some special toys, just for that spot, that’ll keep them entertained.

Sharing is Caring: Walk the Walk

One particular day, the four littles kept fighting over a ball. Rather than yell or take the ball away, I told them they needed to share and showed them how: I sat them all down facing each other, told them who needed to pass it to who, and had them take turns rolling it to each other. I coached and watched them for a couple of minutes to make sure they had the routine down and then went about my business until they got bored and found something else to butt heads over.

If it’s something that can be fractioned off – like play-dough – reinforce the sharing thing and give them each an equal amount. Make a show of it, too. I made sure all the kids sat and watched me as I split and balled up the dough, showing them that they were all the same before one got squished up and there were shouts of “theirs is bigger than mineeeeee!”

If it’s not something that can be shared as easily – like, say, a hula hoop – try a timer instead. Kid one gets to play with it for __ minutes then it’ll be kid two’s turn, and on down the line. Bonus points if they can hear the timer: it cuts down on the “has it been __ minutes YET”-esque questions.

If all else fails, take it away and tell them they can play with it later when they’re ready to share again.

Remember: we’re teaching them how to interact positively with other humans for the rest of their lives, and sharing really is an important part of that, despite the corny slogan.

Bedtime Nightmares

Bedtime is the worst. It’s been a long day, they’re tired, I’m completely drained, and they need to be asleep right damn now so I can breathe for a minute and then move on to whatever remaining ‘chores’ for the day need to be done. Add trying to break them of sleeping with bottles and sippy cups to the mix and there’s a lot of fun to be had.

Luckily this one was relatively easy: establish a routine.

Give them baths and get them into their PJs, let them have their snacks and milk to cut down on the “I’m thirsty/hungry”s once they’re laid down, give them a ‘warning’ that they have __ more minutes to play then they would be going to bed, then have them ‘give kisses,’ brush their teeth, and use the bathroom. (They probably should have been read to, too, but I can not read aloud to save my life.)

More often than not, they’d slide right on into dreamland without much of a hitch.

My ‘wild’ niece could be a bit problematic here, because she was keeping her little brother awake, too. This is most often where I’d whip out The Spoon and give her (or them, depending) a couple of sharp-enough pops to show I mean business and sit there until I was reasonably sure they’d quiet down. Sometimes, there were repeat trips, but, even though I looked/sounded mad, I made sure it was just a scare tactic – I’d roll my eyes, take a deep breath, then don my mean mask before heading back into the breach.

This was a (softer) fail on my part, but since I’m digging, these might help:

Set the Tone for the Day

Morning routines can play a crucial role in how the rest of the day goes.

Think about it: you oversleep, you get upset, you get ready and rush out the door, and you get to work discombobulated and likely a little salty, which can affect how you react to other people and situations til you’re off work and can escape the hellhole you’ve been trapped in for eight hours.

The same thing can happen to kids.

If you wake them up violently, scream at them to hurry up and get ready, and stress them out, they’ll still be stressed out – and maybe act out – at school.

Try adjusting your routine: wake them up gently (my mom started my days by scratching my back, which I loved), and allow plenty of time for your slow-movers. Push them, lightly, to finish getting ready – “we only have __ minutes left then we need to go” – but if you’re constantly running late, get them up a little earlier and see if that helps. Try not to yell and push too hard – just do what you can to adjust.

Potty Training

I was a brave, brave soul: I decided to potty train all our little girls – 2, 3, and 4 years old I think – at once.

I did some quick skims of articles and came away having made 4 decisions: we were going straight into ‘just undies’ for (what was supposed to be) a few days, I needed to stock up on stickers, we’d be getting furniture covers, and I’d do my best not to be upset about accidents.

There was no way my mis-wired brain could handle establishing a routine, but I did make a point of asking them, when I’d think about it, if they needed to pee. Being kids, there were more than a few times they’d say no and puddle up the floor 5 minutes later (unless I pushed them to “go anyway”), but eventually they started to recognize the signs, then they started to go on their own – and earned themselves some stickers we posted on papers in the bathroom.

We established that if they messed themselves while they were playing, they’d stop and stand absolutely still until I got what I needed to clean it and them up – then we’d all go on about our business without much in the way of drama.

And I made cleanup as easy as possible: I had a ‘station’ set up in the kitchen. There were wipes, a basket with multiple pairs of 3 sizes of underwear, and a Swiffer within arms reach – and towels in the closet nearby. I also had more wipes, gloves, and a couple of trashcans in the bathroom to help with the…dirtier drawers. (Wish I’d had help with my gag reflex too, ’cause ughhhhhhhh3!)

There were some lapses with consistency, so it took longer than it should have, but we did finally get there.

Then it was my nephew’s turn.

I was off duty by the time he came of age, so I’ve had to do a lot of (somewhat successful) tongue-biting here, too. I won’t go into detail but I will say this for whoever might need it:

  • There are gobs of potty training techniques just a few clicks away.
  • Pick what works for you, share the plan with whoever else might need to know it, and stick with it. If you do it one way and someone else is doing it another, it’s confusing and it takes that much longer to learn.
  • My dad tried an interesting tactic with the boy: he got to clean himself up after an accident.
  • Don’t shame them. Avoid saying anything like “you’re so nasty.” They are not nasty. The fact that they pooped in their pants is.
  • Don’t threaten them. “If you poop in your pants again, I’m going to spank you” does nothing but stress the kid out. If the kid is stressed out, they won’t want to come to you when they’ve had an accident – which just makes matters worse when it comes to cleanup. More than likely, even if they are starting to ‘get it,’ they won’t want to come to you to tell you they need to go to the bathroom. They need to be able to trust you, not be scared of you.

Research Roundup

Before I get too far into this bit, I feel it must be said: we have a wealth of information at our fingertips. Sure, some of it may need to be taken with a grain of salt, but it’s still there for the asking.

DuckDuckGo is your friend.

Old dogs can learn new tricks.

Closed minds can’t be fed.

Don’t be afraid to admit and learn from your mistakes, either.

I quit settling for “I don’t know…” and started researching and learning on the fly – adjusting course accordingly – and I do this in all aspects of my life.

Anywho!

To close out, here are some links that are worth pursuing:

Want more? Go find it!